Instantly Karl's face shuttered, though he still continued his forward trek into the room. "That's nice," he said, brushing his fingers across Orlando's hair on his way to the bookshelves. Orlando sat there for a moment, then stood and walked slowly to Karl, sliding arms around his waist. "Ignoring it won't make it go away, love." He pressed a soft kiss to the back of Karl's neck. "And neither will shutting me out." Karl placed his hand on top of Orlando's, leaned back into his chest. "Make what go away?" "Do I really need to answer that?" Orlando continued to trail soft kisses across the back of Karl's neck, tightened his arms. And felt Karl's sigh in his very soul. "No. You don't." The normally smooth voice sounded so defeated, so fucking tired. Orlando untangled his arms and turned Karl to face him. He looked deep into exhausted, sad, painfully beautiful eyes and wanted to do whatever it took to remove that look. "Then talk to me. Are you okay with this?" "With you going out with Harry?" At Orlando's nod, Karl smiled, small, but genuine. "Of course I am. I want the two of you to get to know each other." "Honestly? Because if you're not, I won't go. The very last thing I want right now is to upset you more." "Yes, honestly." Karl kissed the tip of Orlando's nose, smiled again. "Wouldn't have claimed you if I'd been planning on keeping you away from him." Orlando smiled in response, hugged Karl tight. "I don't think you could have kept me away from him. He's too much like you." "So I've been told," Karl replied, leaning his check to rub against the soft curls of Orlando's hair. It's true," Orlando laughed. "You're so damn much alike it's scary." Again, if Orlando hadn't been paying attention, he might have missed it. Small tremors sped through Karl's body, gone so fast they might have been a figment of his imagination. "So Vig was always telling us," Karl replied, disentangling himself from Orlando and walking to the other side of the library. "Goddammit, Karl, stop walking away from me!" The words were out before he could stop them, but Orlando refused to try and take them back. He stood there, hands clenched at his sides, looking at Karl through narrowed eyes. He watched as Karl tilted his head back, closed his eyes, mouth moving, though Orlando couldn't make out the words. Then Karl turned to him, graceful body on full alert. "Please don't push me." The softly delivered words were harsher than a shout. "Or what?" Orlando stalked over to stand in front of Karl, body trembling in anger. "You'll shut me out? You've been doing that for almost two weeks. I'm used to it now. Or maybe you'll hurt me. You think that'll scare me?" "I'm not trying to scare you." Karl's normally melodious voice was rough with so many emotions Orlando knew he could take a month and not catch them all. "And you know I won't hurt you. That was low of you." "Yeah, well, it got a response out of you, didn't it?" Orlando stood there, continued to glare at Karl. He wanted a bigger response. Didn't matter what, just something because he was damned if he was going to continue letting Karl avoid this any longer. "Yes, it did. Congratulations." Karl's every word was layered in ice. "Happy now?" "No, I'm not fucking happy. I won't be happy until you and Harry start fucking talking to each other again. But I'm just some stupid fucking mortal, what the fuck do I know about it?" Orlando spun on his heel, stalked to the bar. His back to Karl, he studied the bottles, tried to figure out which would get him drunk the quickest. "Let me know if that works, would you?" Orlando ignored Karl and picked up a bottle of whiskey. Fuck a glass. He didn't need one. Lifting the bottle to his lips, he took a long swallow before turning to face Karl again, ignoring the sharp burn down his throat. He hated whiskey. "Why should I let you know if it works? That'd just make things easier for you." "I can assure you I've tried drowning my sorrows in alcohol," Karl told him. "It never works. But you're welcome to try." He started to leave the room. Orlando didn't think, he just reacted. Before he even knew what he was doing, the bottle left his hand and was sailing through the air. Mouth partially open, eyes wide, he stared after it -- as if that would do any good. Without turning, Karl casually knocked the bottle aside with a careless sweep of his hand, the movement so fast it was a blur. "Now, do you feel better?" he asked, stopping, throwing the question over his shoulder, as the fiery, overwhelming scent filled the room. "No." Karl shrugged, and Orlando could see a slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Well, that's too bad. Violence normally worked for Harry and myself. Guess you're not so much like us, after all." "Fuck." Orlando spun, picked up another bottle and threw it directly at Karl's head, following it quickly with a third bottle. "You." Just as quickly, just as casually, Karl batted the bottles away, didn't even blink when they shattered along the floor and the bookshelves, the room now saturated in the smell of rum and whiskey and amaretto. "You're going to run out of bottles sooner or later. I've got a fencing room, we could go there instead." "Oh, certainly." Orlando paused, a fourth bottle in his hand. "Let's go fence. Forget that I don't know how." He shrugged, threw the bottle just for the hell of it. "Why not? Sounds like a really fucking good idea to me." This time, Karl just side-stepped the bottle, closed the distance between himself and Orlando. "I could always teach you," he offered. "Although I'm not as good as Harry." Orlando glared at Karl, breathing heavily. "Neither am I." Karl stopped again, cocked his head, gave Orlando a puzzled look. "What's that supposed to mean?" Orlando looked away, shook his head. "Nothing. Come on. Teach me to fence." He started towards the door, and was stopped by Karl's hand on his arm. "What was that supposed to mean?" Karl repeated. Orlando looked at Karl's hand. "I have done everything I can think of. I've done my best to make you happy, to make up for that night and for Harry not being there." He lifted his eyes to Karl's. "And nothing I've done is good enough because I'm not Harry. You miss him, he misses you, and you're both too goddamn stubborn to admit it." "Oh, little one." Karl pulled Orlando's stiff body into his arms, smoothed fingers up his back. "Of course I miss him. I never denied it." Karl said the words along Orlando's scalp, punctuating every other word with a soft kiss. "But I never asked you to try to be Harry." Orlando tried to remain stiff, tried to hold on to his anger. But once Karl touched him, it was a losing battle and he knew it. Finally he sighed, leaned against Karl. "I'm sorry." "Isn't that normally my line?" Orlando felt the smile against his forehead. "Yeah, well...you weren't the one throwing bottles at my head." Orlando tried to laugh, winced inside at how tired it sounded. "Karl, I can deal with anything, just...please...don't keep shutting me out." "I'm trying...but," Karl paused, placed a quick kiss on Orlando's lips "...look, let's get out of this room, okay? The smell's giving me a headache." Orlando nodded and hugged Karl tight before letting go. He glanced at the mess. "I probably should have stopped at the first bottle." "Nah, I haven't had too much practice with moving targets lately," Karl replied, squeezing Orlando's fingers. After a quick call to the housekeeper, Orlando allowed himself to be led down the hall, to the study. Karl sat on the sofa, pulled Orlando next to him, but kept some distance between them. "This is..." Karl took a deep breath, brushed his hair out of his eyes with his free hand "...difficult for me to talk about." Orlando shifted a bit until he was facing Karl. "It gets easier the more you talk about it." His voice was soft, his hand a bit hesitant as he reached to finish smoothing Karl's hair back. Karl stared down at their still joined hands for a long moment. "You can't understand what it's like not having him here," Karl said, tapping at his forehead, lifting his eyes. Orlando was almost undone by the bitter sadness in them, longed for some way to take all the pain away, but knew he couldn't do a fucking thing. Except listen. "It's worse than empty, worse than incomplete," Karl continued, clearly struggling to find the right words. "I'm lost. And I'm so fucking lonely." Orlando wanted so badly to crawl into Karl's lap, to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight while kissing the sadness away. "He's lonely, too, Karl. And I can't help him as much as I can help you." Karl squeezed Orlando's fingers to the point of pain before loosening. "I know Harry's lonely. But, he's got you as well. And it's enough for me that he does." Orlando lifted their joined hands to his lips and lightly kissed Karl's fingers. "It's not enough for you, and it won't be enough for you until he's back in your head." He sighed and bowed his head over their hands. "I wish I could fix this." "This is not up to you to fix. It's up to me and Harry." "I don't think Hell's supposed to freeze over anytime soon." Orlando's smile was wry, but he took a chance and slid a little closer to Karl. "I'm worried about you." Karl smiled back, allowed Orlando to close the distance between them. "I'll try to be better, but I really don't know what to do with myself." "Welcome to the club. " Orlando leaned over to rest his head on Karl's shoulder. He made no other move to touch Karl, just linked hands, and now this. "I would be what Harry is for you if I could." "I don't need another Harry in my life," Karl answered. "I just need you to be yourself for me, to be yourself for him." "I'm trying to be. But I see you hurting and him hurting and I just want to fix it." "I know." Orlando felt Karl shift, was pulled into a firm embrace as Karl leaned back against the cushions. "And I wish you could, but you can't." Orlando snorted, the sound small and faintly amused. Can't, huh? "Just watch me." His voice was muffled as he turned his head, pressed his face against Karl's throat. "You know, sooner or later one of you is going to have to talk to the other." "I'm sure eventually we will. Council meets in less than two weeks, and he's going to have to acknowledge me, at least publicly." Karl's voice sounded sleepy. "Do you think we could take a break from talking?" he asked. Orlando lifted his head, looked at Karl. Smiling, he kissed the curve of Karl's jaw. "We don't have to talk," he said very quietly, sliding an arm around Karl's waist and lowering his head to rest on Karl's chest. "Thank you." The words were a sluggish whisper along Orlando's hair as Karl relaxed even further, body pliant under Orlando's. He just smiled, using his free hand to stroke along Karl's chest and side. Then, he shifted around until he was partially draped across Karl, snuggling as close as he possibly could. He closed his eyes, turned his head the smallest bit, pressed a soft kiss to Karl's shoulder. "I love you," he whispered. //Love you, too.// Orlando could only smile at the role reversal before sleep claimed him as well and he dozed, secure in Karl's arms. Onto Part Nineteen
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